Does the law of attraction apply to children as well as adults?

Question from a student who read my book Breaking Free from the Victim Trap:  Does the law of attraction apply to children as well as adults? Does this mean that children who get battered, are asking for it?

Thank you for your thoughtful question. This is a very complex question, which leads to a complex answer. The broader question is ”are the battered children or the raped women or the people with cancer, asking for it?” The answer is emphatically NO!  The question actually belies a mindset based in the victim, rescuer, persecutor way of seeing the world. It implies that we are blaming the victim. There is nothing further from the truth.

This law of attraction is a universal principle which, first of all, indicates that whatever we believe is what we experience. So, for example, a man who has been born into a family, where boys were not valued, tends to attract women who confirm that belief. Perhaps his wife continually puts him down: that doesn’t mean he wants to be put down or ridiculed. It means he is attracted to women who disparage him, because unconsciously this feels normal to him. It may remind him, unconsciously, of his family or his mother. It feels very familiar to him. It feels comfortable, predictable, like coming home. This does not mean he is consciously asking to be put down. 

Children who get battered, could have been the result of an unwanted or unplanned pregnancy or otherwise have experienced rejection, abandonment, or abuse. Therefore such young souls may “attract” abuse because that is unconsciously what has been programmed into their psyche as what they deserve.  Again, abuse may feel familiar and thus “normal” to them. There is a difference, however, in the way in which boys and girls are programmed in the abuse or neglect they suffer.

Gender differences in the response to traumatic violence is well-documented (Perry et al., 1995a; Perry et al., 1995b). Males tend to identify with the abuser; females tend to identify with the projection of the abuser. Thus, females are more likely to blame themselves and dissociate, while males are more likely to display a classic “fight or flight” response. As a result, more males will tend to develop the aggressive, impulsive, reactive and hyperactive symptom presentation (more externalizing), while females will tend to be more anxious, dissociative and dysphoric (more internalizing). In fact, studies by Carmen et al. (1984) and Jaffe et al. (1986) indicate that abused men and boys tend to identify with the aggressor and later victimize others whereas abused girls are prone to become attached to abusive men and to allow themselves and their offspring to be victimized further. So the aspect of the child that is “attracting” maltreatment is the part of them that has been conditioned and programmed to do so. With pedophiles or child molesters, we refer to the process as “grooming” the child in preparation for the ultimate betrayal of abuse.

Armed with this perspective, we are better able to protect children from abuse, and to provide effective treatment for the long-lasting effects of child abuse and neglect.

Carmen, E. H., Reiker, P. P., & Mills, T. (1984). Victims of violence and psychiatric illness. American Journal of Psychiatry, 141, 378-379.

Jaffe, P., Wolfe, D., Wilson, S. K., et al. (1986). Family violence and child adjustment: A comparative analysis of girls’ and boys’ behavioral symptoms. American Journal of Psychiatry, 143, 74-77.

Perry, B. D., Pollard, R. A., Baker, W. L., Sturges, C., Vigilante, D., & Blakely, T. L. (1995). Continuous heartrate monitoring in maltreated children [Abstract]. Annual Meeting of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, New Research.

Perry, B. D., Pollard, R., Blakely, T., Baker, W., Vigilante, D. (1995). Childhood trauma, the neurobiology of adaptation and ‘use-dependent’ development of the brain: How ‘states’ become ‘traits’. Infant Mental Health Journal, 16(4), 271-291.

Blessings! Diane

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