Assumptions and How they Negatively Affect our Relationships

“Most of our assumptions have outlived their uselessness.” – Marshall McLuhan

“Assumptions are the termites of relationships.” – Henry Winkler

We unconsciously make assumptions and judgments about:

1)      Other people’s behavior

2)      Other people’s intentions for a behavior

3)      Our own behavior and intentions

These assumptions came up in our Healing Relationships Workshop.  For example, a husband goes to the store to get something for dinner. He knows his wife will be hungry and tries to find out what she would like. He calls her, but to no avail. Then he tries to decide what she may want. He had asked her in the morning but she didn’t know what she might want 10 hours later. When she gets home in the evening, he has gotten himself what he likes and says, “I didn’t know what you wanted, so I didn’t get anything.”

The woman immediately goes into a fury.  She angrily replies, “Have I ever gone to the store and gotten something for myself and not for you?  No, of course not!  I would never do that to you.  Now I have to go back to the store to find something for myself.”

So what are the assumptions that each has made about the other’s behavior?

1)      The husband shopping at the store assumed that since his wife didn’t tell him what she wanted, that she might get angry if he came home with the wrong thing. He assumed that she might be more angry if he came home with the wrong thing, than with nothing at all.

2)      The wife assumed that her husband didn’t care about her needs, didn’t think about her and was selfishly only thinking of himself. She judged him to be selfish, uncaring and thoughtless. He judged her as overly emotional and irrational.

3)      Now, in the moment she was too angry to check out her assumptions and he was too confused to check out his.

Our assumptions are directly related to what we project onto others.  Assumptions, projections and judgments are where the fights begin in relationships. After an argument, a good practice in couple’s work is for each partner to look at their assumptions and judgments. If you really want to change your relationships into a healthy communication style, here is a practice couples can do.

1) Sit down with a notepad and begin with the stem sentence:        

a) (Describe Behavior): “When you ________, (the clear specific current behavior). Example: when you went to the store and bought your dinner and came home with nothing for me,

b) Feelings, “I felt _______” (only from this list: angry, hurt, sad, scared, lonely, jealous, guilty).

2) “My assumption is ___________” (I assumed that you didn’t care about me).

3) “The judgment I made about you was ___________” (you are selfish).

4) Ask a question specific to the assumption to clarify the judgment: “Do you care about me?”

5) “What I would like from myself is ___________” (to check out my assumptions).

6) “What I would like from you is __________” (to buy food for both of us when you go to the store).

7) Completion. “I would like to close my clearing with _________” (a hug, a handshake, etc.).

 I hope you find this useful in your relationships. Love, Diane

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